Are we ready? Are you ready? Am I???

Here's the newest thing bothering me. Actually, it's two things; let's see if I can cover both of them in this single blog tonight. The two issues are these: a) Joyce, the girl I am currently "seeing", still hangs out with her ex-boyfriend quite frequently, and b) we are about to talk about where our current relationship is heading, whether we are ready to take it more seriously than we currently are.

Let's start with the first one: the ex-boyfriend. Joyce and her ex were really good friends before they started going out with one another. Now, they haven't necessarily known each other for a decade but I guess the time they've known each other is enough for the 2 of them to be really close. I have no problems with that at all. In fact, I encourage her to see him from time to time. The problem I have is the frequency in which she sees him, and how sometimes she's unhappy to hang out with him but does nothing about it. Once a week I could be very comfortable with, even twice a week is fine. I don't want their friendship to end because of me, and Joyce already mentioned it to me that she will see her ex no matter what her new boyfriend says about it.

I just don't think that she should be spending as much time with him, especially when she is sometimes unhappy with seeing him. She tells me that he knows that he can't get her back, but does she really? I am pretty certain that that is what she thinks but I am very certain and sure that the boy is thinking otherwise. Why else would you waste so much time seeing a girl that broke your heart? I know that I have never remained friends with any one that I ever got serious with. The type of relationship we had is over and it is time to move on. If two people can remain friends after breaking up that is wonderful, because we all need friends in our lives. However, doing so immediately after the break-up happened doesn't exactly offer me any confidence in what I am about to get myself into. I don't know why I have so much of a problem with this than I say out loud. I just do.

The other thing that is making me a little anxious ties into the first: we are going to have the "talk" tomorrow about what this relationship means to us and where exactly are we heading. I know that she likes me, quite a bit. Of this I am certain. And, I like her and enjoy spending time with her. I feel, however, like I am not ready to take this more seriously with Joyce. I have told her otherwise but I regret saying those things to her because it sort of gives her false hope in something that she might regret really soon. The "talk" is going to involve any rules this new level in our relationship will carry. I normally enjoy taking a relationship fairly slow, relishing every moment and savouring every event. It has only been about a month and I feel that we might be moving a little too fast for any of this to last. I am to blame, I guess, because I have been out of a relationship for so long. I want to get right through to the inevitable end even before any thing real happens.

What is holding me back? Why am I so reluctant? The girl's past is just that. There really is no need to think about it, but if we are to get more serious then it definitely merits some re-evaluation on my part. I do not like going in relationships blind or uncertain. My last relationship is a testament to that fact. It just ended badly and I sort of regret how it came to pass. I guess I am just afraid that I will not be able to fulfill all of the expectations she might have of me, even though she says that she has none. Every girl has expectations of the guys that they end up dating, casually or seriously. I fear that I will not be adequate enough, that I will not be able to satisfy her, or excite her. I guess, ultimately, I am just afraid of being rejected. It hurts and I have never gotten used to it, no matter how often I go through it or say that it has always been that way.

It seems that the only thing to do is wait until tomorrow arrives and take it one step at a time. Kind of wish that I had a plan going into it just so I don't get blindsided by any thing that might arise from our discussion. I should have consulted more people about the subject...or maybe not...we'll just have to wait and see...