All I can spare is a single tear...

I have a problem with hesitancy. Not the concept of the word but the actual action of hesitating. In all certainty, everybody encounters this concept at some point in their lives. Maybe once, maybe more than a dozen times. The point is that every one, whether you are the president of a nation or some low-level peon, undergoes this unfortunate feeling. It is inescapable, unexplainable, undeniable. That, however, is not my problem. No, no. My problem is that hesitancy has become a consistency for me with regards to most decisions I make or face, particularly the life-changing-can't-back-down-from-this-wish-I-chose-differently brand of decisions.

When a choice is placed before me I have a tendency to quickly decide the course of action that would suit me best (or at least assumed by me as the best). Then, before transitioning my thoughts into motion, doubt creeps into my mind and I second-guess the decision I had made. *Notice that I did not analyze my decision after I had committed to it but rather before setting it in stone*. There is absolutely nothing wrong with thinking twice. Actually, that is a wise thing to do when making decisions. The world would be a much brighter, happier place to be in if more people thought twice or more before every decision. I not only second-guess my judgment, but I triple-guess it; I doubt my own doubts. This, in turn, creates situations that I normally do not enjoy. Most outcomes that stem from my decision process are safe decisions. Safe decisions but boring ones as well, lacking any excitement, glitz, or glamour. Some decisions do not even make it to tangibility due to the extensive timeline it takes to make up my mind.

There is no greater example of this than when it comes to the opposite sex. Often times, I will meet a girl who is cute, funny, and smart. Overall, some one who would want to accompany me to movies, restaurants, parties and what not have you. Sure, we get along great, share a few laughs, even flirt here and there, but when the time comes for me to ask a girl for her number I could never bring myself to do it. I would tell myself that there's always time, that we will see each other again soon, that the same opportunity will present itself. And, it always does. And, I always wait. Then, because IU waited so long, the girl ends up disappearing, never to be heard from again, or they return only to be engaged to some schmuck. All because I waited. Do you see now my problem with hesitancy? It lets me lead a safe, boring existence where I am comfortable and relatively unharmed, not to mention lonely. My sadness is sometimes so overwhelming that I do not even notice that it has latched itself to me, slowly leeching away the excitement from my life. And all because I do not know how to live spontaneously, how to live for the moment. Hell, I just don't know how to live...Sad...