And the problem resurfaces...

She keeps popping up in my mind, like a bad habit that I so desperately want to break. I am relapsing and I don't really know why. This is not something I really want to confront, not something I want to address, not even something I want to acknowledge. I believe deep, deep, deep down in the darkest recesses of my heart and mind that I don't want this to be happening. And, yet, somewhere closer to the surface I so desperately want it to. As Hedley put it, "I do want to love you/ I want to try/ Because if falling for you girl is crazy/ Then I'm going out of my mind." This is what I want to happen, not because I think it's about time but because it feels like it'll be the right thing to happen to me at my present state

But, she doesn't know. How can she? She's stuck in her little world, constantly busy, always moving, never having any time to let any guy get close enough to hold her. Which is just so irritating. Granted, I admire the fact that she can keep herself occupied (with very relevant things, not just idle idiosyncrasies) and that she is VERY independent, but where does that leave those of us that Cupid decides to hunt down and strike with his arrows of misleading love? What happens to such individuals who want nothing more than to be a part of her life? And, it's not even a monumental part. It does not have to involve years. It could just take a month or two. And, yes, being friends with someone for years can be monumental, and it often is, but sometimes you just want more. More of what you cannot really ever have.

Never ever, all because you decided in your mind and heart a while ago that she is not worth pursuing, that because she said no to your heart the first time that it will remain as such no matter how many attempts you commit to enact. You can wait for her occasion upon occasion, but EVERY time your eyes meet you catch a glimpse of that refusal to let you show her how great it can be if you were together, even if only for a little while; and you will always yearn, always wish, always desire after her. At least, I will. Then, you will come to a fantastic realization: that she is just a girl. That is all. She is only one girl amongst hundreds, thousands, nay, millions. I have realized this many times over but it is never as easy as it is said to be. She may just be a girl but she's a girl that I want to be with right now. How do I get her to change her mind? How can I get her to look at me the same way that I look at her? What do I have to do to have her realize that she wants this to happen and that I am the one she wants this to happen with? Do I need to drastically alter my physical appearance, lose 50 or so pounds so she might become physically attracted to me? Why am I so bent on this? Why her? Why her? WHY HER?!

I wish so many times that it would stop being her, that it would become someone else, some other person I am not so close to. In the name of all things sacred and holy, we work together. If I were to leave real soon, I might be persuaded to put myself out there for her. But, I want it returned. I want it to matter to her enough that she is willing to tell me that it does. I want her to make time and space for me in her life. Maybe that's just wishful thinking and wishes don't always come true...Unfortunately...